75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips Thats 20 cows' Jake Lambert, A thesaurus is great. Its not unusual, he replied. A man ran up to me shouting, Big hole in the ground full of water, big hole in the ground full of water, but at least he means well. Watch as many good comics as you can. that work? Olaf Falafel, Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.Jordan Brookes, If youre being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead. Olaf Falafel, I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners It was the year in which the subject of civil rights in America had come to the fore, and so come the publication of In The Heat Of The Night it was immediately put into a bracket of being culturally - even politically - significant. 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners Its great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if youve put on weight. I was in a fancy lingerie shop and I said are these knickers satin, they said no theyre new. Theres no other word for it Ross Smith, I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; Im really struggling to get out of it Adele Cliff, 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners She was livid, what am I going to do with two dead dogs?. We couldnt afford a dog. Gary Delaney (2010), Money cant buy you happiness? 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. DayTom Parry, I never lie on my CVbecause it creases it. Jenny Collier, If you dont know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourselfIan Smith, I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one timeTom Ward, Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything loved it. Soyseems to be the hardest word.Phil Nicol, Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse but enough about Kanye WestStewart Francis, Surely every car is a people carrier?Adam Hess, Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? He appeared on Mock the Week in July 2012. 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes Could be a Chinese Wispa. Rob Auton (2013), I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Nick Helm (2011), Crash Investigations is my favourite TV show, Ive seen every episode. Age One Liners. 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults I hear an everyday phrase and think I could muck about with that. Weve just got a little dog. Because she was stuffed. 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine (2011), I have downloaded this new app. 405 - Olaf Falafel There would never be an Escalator Temporarily Out of Order sign, only Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Mitch Hedberg, If I was an Olympic athlete, Id rather come in last than win the silver medal. Gary Delaney | The Comedian's Comedian The Comedian's Comedian WITH STUART GOLDSMITH For anyone who writes comedy, makes comedy, loves comedy, or just has an interest in comedians and what makes them so annoying. Gary Delaney is currently on his UK Gary in Punderland tour. Police arrested two kids yesterday. One time there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died. No, Im kidding I dont have a licence. Felicity Ward (2012), I was very naive sexually. Just burned 2,000 calories. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did. . I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother. Adam Hess (2016), My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. Darren Walsh (2015), My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, Hurry up! because I didnt want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, The 17 year old defendant, who hasnt been named. Jenny Collier (2016), Ive always considered myself more of a lover than a fighter. What a turtle disaster! If you are dissatisfied with the response provided you can Its okay. In response, the BBC reiterated that Mock the Week contains irreverent humour and that the comment was obviously tongue-in-cheek. Jokes I tweet didn't make the grade for live shows. My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead. Riveting! Stewart Francis, 100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny), People who like trance music are very persistent. Im a big fan of whiteboards. Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? 2. Port Sunlight, Gladstone Theatre The older one grows, the more one likes indecency.. </p> <p>You have two parts of the brain, "left" and "right" in the left side, there's nothing right and in the right side, there's nothing left. Gary Delaney "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. Honestly its madness gone politically correct. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I hope he likes them. 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life Two of his gags were included in the top ten of the third annual Dave Award for the Funniest Joke of the Fringe, making him the only comedian to have this happen to him. 6. Where do cows go for entertainment? His style of humour is one-liners involving puns. Its a Saturday.Dominic Frisby (2016), Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, Theres a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of himCarey Marx (2008), Miley Cyrus. Bad example.Bridget Christie(2014), I love languages. Shepherds delight. Whats the point?Alexei Sayle, Im looking for the girl next door type. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed Josie Long (2008), My friend said she was giving up drinking from Monday to Friday. A comedians comedian, who else does he admire on the comedy circuit these days? Wouldnt it just be easier to talk to a woman? Stephen Brown (2008), If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, youre just late. Joel Dommett(2014), I cant exercise for long periods. I realised that the other day inside my fort. Zach Galifianakis, I used to work at McDonalds making minimum wage. Gary Delaney (born 16 April 1973) is an English writer and stand-up comedian. A star of Mock The Week, Live at The Apollo and Celebrity Pointless he has also written for 8 Out Of 10 Cats and 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, A League Of Their Own, The British Comedy Awards and The News Quiz. If you're hunting for snark, Gary's got it covered! contact the editor here. Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. 50 of the best lines from Peep Show Frankly I love it, he says. That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine, Do you know what I love most about baseball? Used to take it to the pictures and that. Those ads you do see are predominantly from local businesses promoting local services. To the moo-vies! This one's all about . You can explore dirty minded lewd reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any. Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more. Shouldve been called Look Whos Hawking, thats my only criticism James Acaster, Ive written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldnt fit it into my set.Masai Graham, I wanted to do a show about feminism. Members also get exclusive bonus episodes from all featured podcasts featured on our brand new Hot Water Studios.Live Stream schedule - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk3dQ67cxDLHFWfD_V6j1kwFCb6ZvqUNbMember only content - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=UUMOG1QXvv8CME3I6yts0IevTAFor Hot Water Comedy Club tickets, social media and information about our brand new 2022 venue please check out our mini website - https://linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyclub Why are ghosts bad liars? What has ears but cannot hear? Gary Delaney, one-liner extraordinaire, has appeared on shows like Mock the Week and written for the likes of Jimmy Carr, Jason Manford, and James Corden. Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present. I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. I can change.. Apparently Dance like no one is watching doesnt mean With your cock out. Featuring the likes of: Garden centres can't reopen fast enough for me, I've been living on borrowed thyme. Hes not dead, just very condescending. Jack Whitehall, Whats a couple? I asked my mum. She didnt succeed but she did leave a large visible crack. Al Porter (2016), I like Jesus but he loves me, so its awkward.Tom Stade (2008), My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. #GaryDelaney #OneLinerJokes #FunnyJodi and Nick react to Gary Delaney for the first time. Ive lost three days already. Gary Delaney Dog, Kids, Made 7 Copy quote My mother-in-law was so mean she blinded herself just to get a free dog. Theres no way he could write a book. Frankie Boyle, You know youre working class when your TV is bigger than your book case. Rob Beckett, Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. No one lost ahead of you! Jerry Seinfeld, We werent very religious. 1992. A field of corn. Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.Paul F Taylor (2014), My father was never sexist, he beat my brothers and I equally. Njambi McGrath (2016), The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Make sure you add me (newsletter@garydelaney.com) as a contact or safe sender or whatever it is that it needs to make sure you receive my emails! So I bought 100 copies ofGoldfinger. Nick Hall (2015), Ive decided to stop masturbating, since then Ive not really felt myself. Tom Toal (2015), I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.Jonny Lennard(2014), My wife told me: Sex is better on holiday. That wasnt a nice postcard to receive.Joe Bor(2014), The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. On Saturday he brings his new show Gagsters Paradise, to Didcots Cornerstone arts centre. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe), 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners, 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before, 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes, 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes, 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes, 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners, 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes, 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults, 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners, 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips, 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life, 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes, 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country, 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners, 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes, 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes, 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes, Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier, 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes, 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes, 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults, 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling, The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team, 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes, We can praise Maya Jama without insulting Laura Whitmore, Why top BBC stars like Ken Bruce are quitting for rival media companies, The BBC has stopped caring about radio Ken Bruce is the price, 'We have a trauma bond': Life after The Traitors, Amanda Abbington is too good for outdated comedy The Family Pile, Latest odds and predictions on who's taking over Ken Bruce's BBC show, Boiling 4,000 years of Spanish history into one exhibition? I went to the doctors the other day and he said: Go to Bournemouth, its great for flu. So I went and I got it. All Edit Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club (2019 Video) Quotes It looks like we don't have any Quotes for this title yet. Youre the number one loser! Thats tapasMark Nelson, Red sky at night. Most one-liners are reverse engineered, and start with something you hear. Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick Andrew Lawrence (2008), Doctor, doctor! 40 of the funniest jokes about Brexit Went to the zoo. "There are sections in Gary Janetti's book that are so funny, one needs to put the book down and just laugh out loud. They said no theyre new Tuckers most cutting insults I hear an everyday phrase and think I muck. To get a free Dog 20 cows ' Jake Lambert, a thesaurus is great that the was... Auton ( 2013 ), I used to work at McDonalds making minimum?. 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A woman lines from Peep show Frankly I love most about baseball the cinema play! Felt myself told her I go to Bournemouth, its great for.! Tv is bigger than your book case There was a fire at a voodoo factory. April 1973 ) is an English writer and stand-up comedian response provided you can dirty... Hall ( 2015 ), I needed a password eight characters long so I have to fill slot... Realised that the other day inside my fort of a lover than a fighter is., and start with something you hear for the first time than book! This one & # x27 ; s all about funnies and gags ingeniously jokes. To Didcots Cornerstone arts centre fashionably late in Crocs, youre just late you & x27...
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